**Warning: Pity Party Ahead**
My biggest fear: being alone.
That being said, Greg just left to fly to Fort Lauderdale for the week. *sigh* You'd think I'd be used to this since his job requires him to travel an average of 2 weeks a month. But I'm not. At 1:30 in the morning when I can't sleep, it's the simple fact that he's not here and I'm all alone. I hate it.
Sometimes I say I want to be alone (namely when Zach's complaining about his PS2, the twins are whining over a toy, Kyle wants his sippy cup filled, and Kelly's fussing for no apparent reason) but what I really mean is I would like some peace and quiet. Being truly alone scares the begeezes out of me. Death has never been one of my fears. Yeah, it would suck and I'd feel bad that my family would miss me but it doesn't scare me. The kids or Greg being hurt ranks up towards the top of the list and of course, losing any of them would be devastating. Which sort of explains my fear of being alone, it would mean I had lost all my loved ones. That Twilight Zone episode where the guy finds himself alone with a pile of books and broken glasses? I would have never moved from a curled up fetal position at the overwhelming knowledge that I was utterly alone in the world.
I'll muddle through, I always do. The kids will drive me crazy all day long and then I'll put them to bed at 8pm. And then be lonely. *sigh* It's depressing to think about. Sleeping is the hardest, I've never slept alone if I could avoid it. When I was little, my sister would often climb into bed with me. In college, having a roommate was enough although I was also rarely without a boyfriend. It's silly but one of the things I always looked forward to about being married was the guarantee that there would always be someone next to me at night.
In the whole scheme of things, it's not so bad really. I'm just being whiney because I've already spent a cold bleak week with the kids without Greg. It's not so much that I need a break, I just want another adult here to commiserate. And the thought of another week like the last one doesn't do much to improve my mood.
*sigh* Pity party over. If you've made it this far, have a cookie, you deserve it.
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