I hate the edge. Everyone has their own line, the one to avoid crossing and falling off the deep end. Somedays my line is miles and miles away. I can't see it and everything is sunny and happy and I marvel at how wonderful life is. Other days, I know the abyss is there but with that awareness I'm able to find little ways to take full steps back when I find myself inching near it. And then there's the scariest days when everything seems fine and one little thing goes wrong and suddenly I find myself staring down into the never ending darkness and thinking, how the hell did I end up here? Those times take my breath away. In those moments I can see how easy it would be to lose it, to cross that line, to fall over the edge.
Anyone who tells you that they aren't a little bit crazy is completely crazy. Everyone has a mental disorder, some are just easier to diagnosis. Sure I've been depressed, who hasn't? I think it's possible to fit all the people who have never been depressed at some point in their lives in an elevator. The amazing thing about depression and many other mental illnesses is that you seriously don't know you have it while you have it. It's the ultimate conspiracy in your head. It's like being in the eye of a hurricane, you know something isn't quite right but everything seems okay. It's only after weathering the storm and viewing the destruction from a safe distance that you can see just how far lost and unstable you were while in the eye.
The mind and emotions constantly play tug-of-war. You can't know true happiness without knowing sadness. It's impossible to appreciate what you have unless you've lost something precious to you. I don't believe life is about balance, who wants to go through life being neither too sad nor being able to be too happy? I'd be an idiot to say I'm not trying to stack my deck with more happy moments than sad. I truly believe that you are as happy as you let yourself be. Want to wallow in misery? It's much easier to do. As they say, misery loves company. To try to be happy when you are at the absolute lowest point ever is the most amazing quality a person can posses. But it's equally important to know that occasionally the world is going to suck and there's nothing you can do about it. Tomorrow is another day.
** Just so you know, everyone here is fine. I'm okay really, don't send the men in the white coats after me. I am running on a few hours of sleep and unfortunately "Greg Gone" insomnia has set in. So I think. And I write. It's what I do. Some drink, some sleep, some flip channels. Whatever it takes to keep yourself firmly on the safe side of that line.
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