I feel a bit lost. I thought all this introspection crap was suppose to make life more clear and easier to understand. Instead, I just feel... lost.
I've been going through the motions: wake up, dress and feed the kids, school, clean the house, laundry, bedtime, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat. The spark is there occasionally. Like when I pushed Kelly on the swing the other day and pure innocent giggles of joy bubbled up out of her. That was nice but oh, so fleeting.
One of the worst parts of feeling like I'm only half living life is that I know what I'm missing. The hours I spend sitting on the couch watching mindless TV or playing silly card games on the computer seem so wasted. I could, should be scrapbooking. Or writing to finish one of half a dozen incomplete novels. Sewing, quilting, reading, none of my hobbies seem to catch my interest at the moment. I have fabric washed and dried, waiting weeks to be cut for my next sewing project. I have enough scrapbook supplies to open a small store and even sketches for my next layouts. The sketches were drawn last September. I know I'm spinning my wheels but I can't seem to get out of the muck.
Some say I need to get out of the house alone more. Some say I need to get help with the kids and the house. Some say I smell like chicken. (nevermind...) I say I never needed any of that before. I completed National Novel Writing Month while nursing a baby. I scrapbooked hundreds of pages while mommy'ing 5 kids 5 years and younger. I sewed an entire wedding party's worth of dresses during my last pregnancy. I could do it then, why can't I do it now?
I've lost that... something. I don't know what it was to even begin looking for it again. Reading back through my archives doesn't help, if anything it makes me more confused. I can't remember the person who wrote those words, it's almost as if a stranger did it. And yet, that's me. Where along the line did I lose that connection?
I can't figure it out. Should I keep looking through the confusing past to try to understand who I am today? Or should I move on and try to decide what the future should be like regardless of the past? And when can I say, enough is enough, I'm not thinking about any of this any more? When does the motivation to just be me come back? What if I don't even know who me is anymore? Which brings me careening back full circle to feeling lost.
If any of you all see a gas station, let me know so I can pull over for directions.
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