I'm not an alcoholic, I just play one on TV...
Now then, among the many issues I have with life in Maryland (I'll get to the rest another day, this issue is going to take up enough of your time) is the way they sell alcohol. You'd think living this close to Washington DC that they'd be handing out free bottles of vodka on every corner. Or I was just extremely spoiled by Ohio's lax liquor vending laws. A few ways to buy alcohol in Ohio:
- Drive-thru carryouts: In case you've never been lucky enough to see one of these genius creations, imagine a large garage with doors on both ends. You drive in one end, are surrounded by many large glass door refrigerators, someone comes to your car, takes your cold beer, liquor, wine, milk, pop, snackie stuff, etc order, brings it to you in exchange for money, and you drive out the other door. You never have to get out of your car. My friend Sherry and I use them mostly for milk and pop and the occasional snack. Not dragging all the kids out of the car because you ran out of milk at home? Priceless!
- The grocery store: I didn't realize this wasn't a common place to buy alcohol. In Ohio, your neighborhood friendly Krogers often has an entire liquor store inside. And usually is open 24 hours (well not always the liquor store, but definitely the wine, beer, mixers, cheap bottom shelf alcohol part). Cold beer any freaking time of the day. Well only after 1pm on Sundays. (I'm not sure what time Sunday morning they stop selling.) It's not unusual to see half a dozen people reading the Sunday paper near the checkout with a case of beer or bottle of wine waiting for the magic 1pm buying time (and yes, I've been one of them on occasion).
- The liquor store: Boring and so typical. I've honestly only set foot in a real liquor store about twice in my entire life.
A nice transplanted couple from Akron, Ohio helped me in the bread section. They don't sell alcohol in grocery stores around here, the couple said sadly. First no drive-thru carryouts and now no grocery store beer, I asked. No, they said sadly. We all mourned for a few minutes. But you can buy it all at the liquor store next door, they offered. Okay, thanks for your help, I said still shaking my head at the thought of not being able to buy beer and diapers at the same time. They call this civilization?
So around 9, I left the grocery store and headed over to the liquor store. Hmm, it looks closed. It was! At 9:07pm on a Thursday. WTF? Long story short, all the liquor stores in the area were already closed and Sherry's husband didn't get his Corona that night.
And the funny part is that we really don't drink that much. I have an alcoholic drink a few times a month (unless Greg gets on a Mudslides kick and then we go through Kahlua like water). I just like to be able to buy liquor whenever I darn well please. I mean this is America. Where I have the right to pursue happiness and all that jazz? This whole liquor store only thing is going to be a pain in the ass. Instead of tossing a bottle of Amaretto or Kahlua in with my weekly grocery shopping at 10pm on a Tuesday, I need to make a special trip during the day to a liquor store (they all just seem so seedy...). And probably with kids. Rows and rows of glass bottles and stacks of beer? I have an image of pint sized bulls in a china shop and me owing $523.89 because Kyle knocked over and broke a stack of rare imports. Reason #214 why I'm eventually moving back to Ohio...
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